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Songs Written by Scrooge One of the great traditions of family Christmases is caroling – going out as a family unit, knocking on people’s doors, and inflicting bad singing on the unsuspecting. We don’t do this in my family for two reasons: first, Jennifer and I are good singers; second, it’s too damned cold outside. But radio stations and workplaces across the country have no shame in their attempts to put the Scrooge in your Christmas by playing the same carols over and over again. I swear if I hear “Do You Hear What I Hear?” or Michael W. Smith’s “Gloria in Excelsis” one more time I’m going to shoot someone. All this got me thinking about Christmas carols, though, and so, as a holiday treat, I’m going off-topic this week and submitting instead (for your reading pleasure) the five stupidest Christmas carols ever recorded. These tunes were surely penned by old Ebenezer himself to take the joy out of caroling. Because I’m obsessed with doing things differently, my Top Five list will contain more than five songs. Here goes. #5: “Jingle Bell Rock” / “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” These two songs are part of the rock-and-roll revolution of the 50’s. Rock and roll will never die, it’s the new music thing, you stodgy old bastards can’t stop us, blah-blah-blah. Sure these are Christmas songs, but they were recorded specifically to make “rock-and-roll Christmas songs,” and the lyrics are bad as a result. Every time one of these monstrosities comes on the radio, I’m diving for the channel-switch button. Here’s a tip, folks: write songs about Christmas, not songs with a Christmas theme designed to appeal to a certain demographic. #4:“The Holly and the Ivy” “The holly has a prickle as sharp as any thorn / And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ on Christmas in the morn.” Oooookay. This is a pretty song as far as it goes, but the words just don’t make a damned bit of sense. Holly and ivy are pagan traditions that someone apparently decided to try to musically graft into Christianity through powerful metaphors of the birth of Christ. Except that the Christian and pagan metaphors don’t have anything to do with each other. This song is a logical mess. #3: “Jingle Bells” / “Sleigh Ride!” / “Winter Wonderland” Why are these Christmas songs? They don’t have a thing to do with Christmas. They’re winter songs, and, in the case of the first two, they’re celebrations of something that doesn’t even happen anymore – taking a ride in a horse-driven sleigh. Why don’t you hear “Winter Wonderland” in January? Why isn’t “Sleigh Ride!” a big Valentine’s Day hit? To be fair, I should probably put “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” on this list too, but I kind of like that one, so I’ll leave it off. #2: “The 12 Days of Christmas” This is the Christmas carol that will not end. Does anyone know all the words to this one without the music? Does anyone have fun singing this one? It’s pretty telling that this is the most mocked Christmas song of all time. Parodies of this musical disaster such as “The 12 Pains of Christmas” and “The 12 Days After Christmas” show just how ridiculous this carol is. It’s tolerable as written as long as it’s done comically such as when the Muppets or Bob and Doug McKenzie do it, but please don’t do this one for real. Anyone coming to my house and launching into this carol approximately the length of a Tolstoy novel gets thrown off the porch for a) singing a bad song, and b) attempting to let all the heat out of the house as they drone on through 12 verses. #1: “The Little Drummer Boy” The all-time stupidest Christmas carol is “The Little Drummer Boy” for its utter ridiculousness. All of you out there who have had a baby, I want you to picture this. You had to have your baby in a barn after traveling on foot for miles and miles. The new arrival has finally fallen asleep. And some kid you don’t know has decided to celebrate by banging on a snare drum, waking your baby and sending him into a fit of squawling that makes your teeth rattle and gives you an Excedrin Headache God himself can’t fix. If Mary nodded (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum), it was because she was still under the effects of the Demerol. So there you have it – five (well, eight) Christmas carols to make you say “Bah! Humbug!” The poet wrote, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!” I wish you the same, but I’m sure it will be happier and better if you don’t listen to any of the songs listed above.
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