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Uncommon Want Perhaps Phillip K. Dick and William Gibson and all the rest were right. Their dark visions for humanity’s future have come to pass. I mean, really, people want to be on this show. That’s evidenced by the sheer number of competitors. Are You Hot? moved 16 people to the next round from the “Northwest Region” alone. There must have been 30 or 32 contestants in the round. Who knows how many tried out and didn’t make the first cut? And, as evidenced by the backstage interviews, these people want to win. When they didn’t, they were devastated. The future is here. I expect to see ED-209 tromping down my street at any moment in lieu of the cops. Trying to get some perspective on this, I find myself remembering the words of Byron: “I want a hero: an uncommon want, / When every year and month sends forth a new one, / Till, after cloying the gazettes with cant, / The age discovers he is not the true one. . . .” I’m looking for a hero, and I’m not going to find it in the executive offices of television networks. Michael Eisner is no longer working for ABC (though he is CEO of its parent company, Disney) as a young, avant garde programmer who can buy Schoolhouse Rock on the strength of a single pitch. And even if he was, it wouldn’t matter. This is the same guy who is currently green-lighting direct-to-video dreck like Cinderella 2, Lady and the Tramp 2, and 101 Dalmatians 2. It’s become more important to him to cash in. Like the rest of the Boomer generation, I suppose. The real travesty, though, is that people want this. ABC put Are You Hot? on the air because their data indicated that the American public wanted it. FOX did the same with Joe Millionaire. And why do we want this stuff? To see who wins? Hell, no! We’re there to laugh at the losers. ABC showed us not-so-hot people in tears so that we could mock them for being shallow. People watched Joe Millionaire rooting for the bitchiest woman to win. Why? They wanted to see her get hers when the big secret that Joe was not a millionaire was revealed. In fact, the storybook ending that the show managed to pull off had to disappoint millions of viewers. So I want a hero. I want someone who can lead us out of this surreal Phillip K. Dick / William Gibson-inspired 80’s sci-fi movie currently masquerading as American society. I want someone who can take us to the Promised Land. I know it’s “an uncommon want,” but I think it’s a necessary one too. Here’s a thought: we’ll do it as a reality TV show. We’ll call it American Messiah, and the winner will be the person who can convince the American people that he or she will lead us out of our dystopian present into a golden age. We’ll have all the voting done by internet polls and 800-numbers so that the average viewer can get involved. We’ll make sure to get the winner on Good Morning America and Today the morning after he or she is announced. And, of course, we’ll have backstage interviews with the losers so that the rest of America can watch them cry.
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